Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Need to be Loved

What in god's name makes me need to be loved? Is it because of my sense of abandonment from my dad? Is it the stupid life that I've led? Is it the fact that the only two real father figures I've ever really looked up to died when I was a) 13 or b) last year? Is it because I look at the train wreck of a family that I come from makes me NEED to be better than that? Is it because I want to meet someone who makes me care about them past the first or second orgasm? Is it because I want some one to actually love me for all of the imperfections that make up my personality? Or is it simply, just because I'm human?

I don't even care if anyone reads this one. I have once again entangled myself in a relationshit that has no easy answer. I could easily walk away, but my daughter absolutely loves her. At the same time, when your 5 year old says that she knows that "Daddy is sad when he sleeps alone", what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm just so dead inside...I'm SO glad I learned how to shut off the hurt when I was very young. Otherwise, I'd be a freaking wreck, thanks Mom and Dad for teaching me that no matter how bad my pain is, if I swallow it and focus it onto something I want to do, I can achieve anything!

No comments: